[day three hundred and eleven.]

a book is a garden carried in a pocket.

“It increased the loneliness. I liked sitting in the dark, if you really want to know. I let my thoughts invade my mind like a conquering army hell bent on my destruction. I took every one of them on.” (Angels Fall from Gasoline Rainbows, CJ Maddson)

[day three-hundred and ten.]

what a great sunday. too many rain drops. too many cups of coffee. too many good pages of a book.

“Words are dead. A plot is not a story; it’s a grave. Do you ever get that feeling that you are the only one who exits, and where you exist is this place somewhere in your head? You can’t get out. You can look out, but you can’t get out your contact with people is very limited. Words connect us in some way, and it’s pathetic because words are so universal and nonspecific that they make us all insensitive animals. Thus denial is created. It eats your soul and defecates in your world.” (Angels Fall from Gasoline Rainbows, CJ Maddson)

[day three hundred and nine.]

CAN I JUST ESCAPE.

We’ll do it all.  everything. on our own.

we don’t need anything or anyone.

If I lay here. if i just lay here. would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel

Forget what we’re told. before we get too old.  show me a garden that’s bursting into life.

Let’s waste time.

 

 

also, November 22

[day three hundred and eight.]

i found this posted in front of our toilet.

[day three hundred and seven.]

Me:  i took a “what kind of debator are you” (in the national forensics league) quiz. miss cottingham got ld. i took the whole quiz. my result? “none”. fml

Stephyn : Ha. Omg. Wow.

Me: i didn’t need to take that quiz to find out i guess. whatever. i met you. thats all that matters.

Stephyn: Thats my biggest trophy. Meeting you

He lives in a little house
On the side of a little hill
Picks the litter from the ground

He gives, i get, with out giving anything to me. Like a morning sun. the good good morning sun
She gives. he gets. with out giving anything to see.

 

And the day ends
And there’s no need for me

the girl does yoga. when we come over.

[dogs. damien rice.]

[day two-hundred and six.]

mornings. they are when i have fresh thoughts. fresh. everything is new.

“but i did continue and recover. i got well by talking. death could not get a word in edgewise, it grew discouraged, and traveled on.” -louise edrich (tracks)

“it comes up different every time, and has to ending, no beginning. they get the middle wrong too. they only know they don’t know anything” -louise edrich (tracks)

“ I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question.Harun Yahya

[day three hundred and five.]

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

“”We do know that no one gets wise enough to understand the heart of another, though it is the task of our life to try.”

[Louise Erdrich]

[day three hundred and four]

i look at the leaves. and they constantly remind me that things have to die in order for new life to begin.  and then i apply that very same concept to my life.

[Don't let your mind get weary and confused]

Don’t let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don’t try
Don’t let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there’s a strength that lies

Don’t let your soul get lonely child
It’s only time, it will go by

(ray lamontagne, be here now)

[day three-hundred and three]

started me a new blog.

my life on a page.

it’s a blog of things that i like. i don’t take these photos. it’ll be a collection of things that i find inspiring or that describe me.

(i am not abandoning this one, no worries)

stephhill.tumblr.com

[day three-hundred and two]

i woke up to this note written on my mirror from my laur.

we write codes of love to each other.

[day three-hundred and one.]

take time to breathe. really breathe.

take time to get it out. get it all out.

and find rest.

i’m escaping to charlotte for the weekend. rest.breathe.

[day three-hundred]

 

I let the day go by.

I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I’m standing still

and the world spins madly on.

even the stars sometimes fade to gray, even the stars hide away.

you know there will be days when you’re so tired that you can’t take another step. the night will have no stars and you’ll think you’ve gone as far as you.   will.   ever.   get.

[the weepies.]

[the above photo was taken at 3 am. i woke up to the sound of rain. ]

[day two-hundred and ninety-nine]

we are all unusual.

tragic.

and alive.

if i could stop time. i would read all the books i want to read. go to all the places i want to take pictures of. visit a culinary school in france. clean and dust my room. organize myself. sleep and sleep some more. figure out how to live to where i am truly alive and free. let myself think.think.think.freely.

well. i have been searching all of my days. many a road you know i’ve been walking on. all of my days. and i’ve been trying to find what’s been on my mind. as the days keep turning into night. well i have been quietly standing in the shade. all of my days. watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made. all of this rain. i cried aloud i shook my hands what am i doing here? for i look around me. and my eyes confound me. and its just too bright. as the days keep turning into night.  no i see clearly its You i’m looking for. all of my days. so i smile and i know i’ll feel this loneliness no more. for i look around me. and it seems You found me. and its coming into sight. as the days keep turning into night.

now even breathing feels alright. yes even breathing feels alright.

[day two-hundred and ninety-eight]

i have not let myself think today.

[i posted the above at 11pm.]

ironically, just before i was going to sleep, i let myself think.  not purposely. it is now 3 am. and i am awake. thinking. writing. taking photos. just trying to get it all out. out. out.

[day two-hundred and ninety-seven]

this one time. i tried on lauren’s feather headband. and took a picture of the ridiculousness.

[day two-hundred and ninety-six.]

“I like flaws and feel more comfortable around people who have them. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. “

- augusten burroughs, magical thinking:true stories  (one of my favorite authors. his writing is so intriguing).

[day two-hundred and ninety-five.]

starbucks with my laur.

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart, I’ll always be with you.- Winnie the Pooh

[ily always.]

[day two-hundred and ninety-four.]

“Maybe it’s good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Like Sam sad. Because it’s okay to feel things. And be who you are about them.” -perks of being a wallflower.

i love mornings. i love them.

“ … But it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

American Beauty

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” -perks of being a wallflower

[day two-hundred and ninety-three.]

[and in case you were wondering.]

reminiscing. potentially beneficial. potentially scary.

its scary but sometimes its good to open up the past and dwell in it in a few short minutes. and escape as quickly as you can.

[day two-hundred and ninety-two.]

sometimes i want to freeze the morning light. and live infinitely in it.